• Christian Teaching,  Family,  life

    There was a school shooting…

    There was a school shooting near my home today. Not many details have been released, but there was a school shooting near my home today. Parents – friends – received automated voice messages from the school district informing them that their children were on lockdown. News footage covered the school like it’s covered so many – too many – before. There are cliches around this now; how did that happen? A friend of mine texted me a link to a news article while I was plunked down at the YMCA getting some work done, my babies safely playing mere feet away from me in the child watch, oblivious to the absolute…

  • Birth,  Family,  life,  Love,  Motherhood

    Highest Hope

    I gave birth to her on the floor of the Birth Center – right outside the tub where I thought I might die, where I hated her from a reserve of fury I didn’t know existed, where I’d cursed the moment of conception which had brought me to this agony. She came quickly. Her eyes were steely blue, her lips resembled a rosebud, her chubby olive cheeks were too kissable to resist, and she smelled like Heaven. I am convinced. If there is a Heaven and if it has a smell it is that one. The midwife handed her to me and I don’t think she even reached my chest before…

  • life,  Motherhood

    But first, this.

    I am at the YMCA and I am using the child watch shamelessly because we pay for it and even though I have no intention of exercising today (ha! it’s sweet that you thought that, though) I am going to use my two hours for something good. I have lots of deep thoughts to write about, lots of drafts I could go back to, lots of things I want to chew on, words as teeth, keystrokes like jaw bones, but first this. First, I’m going to soak up this moment alone in an uncomfortable chair by the window drinking coffee I didn’t make next to a perfectly unassuming purse which…

  • Family,  Motherhood

    Carving a Heart

    I have this theory about becoming elderly. That in the end of one’s life, all the pretenses dissolve and the world is left with the truest form of what a person has been creating with all his time and effort. Like alcohol or narcotics, old age is an un-inhibitor. It leaves us to ourselves – to our demons, to our healing, to whatever has made it down to our deepest depths and stuck there. One day the world around me will see what I have done with all my years and what is most important to me. They will see the heart I have cultivated over a lifetime. I decide every day what kind of heart that will be,…

  • Family,  Home,  Love,  Motherhood

    Loving the Bigs

    I love them like a woman who has lost ha-damn mind. I do nothing without considering the impact my children will feel. I am careful in my interactions with them to communicate my love and respect for them. When I don’t I am (usually) quick to apologize – not because I want to be in their good graces (children have nothing but good graces for their parents at this age), but because the thought of them hurting makes my stomach sick. I am compelled to care and act in their best interest. These are all very normal Parent feelings and granted, hormones are mostly on my side when it comes…